2007-11-30 - 6:22 p.m.
november last
I thought i'd get in gear and do one last blog for November (and I've been sucking at it I know)
For some reason today at work i've felt particularly compelled to listen to When you were young by the Killers.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes
Something about this song is haunting. I think songs for me personally are most haunting when they strike me deep in my heart, when I can say "I know that feeling, I know it, and I want to hide from it" Somehow music makes you turn back and look at yourself in a different perspective. It can evoke a beautiful memory or point out the most gaping of flaws.
I feel like so much of my time is spend thinking "I could have... I should have...." I spend so much time regretting only to have this time come back on me later and I'll regret then too. To live in a moment is much too hard for me. I spend much of my time looking back or forward. Afraid of what I'll see right now.
i was rocking Katie thinking to myself "Oh what a bad habit I'm teaching her, she'll always want me to rock her to sleep if I keep doing this." I started to shift in my seat to stand up, when I decided that maybe-- it wasn't such a bad thing. With the way things are now-- how long will it be before Katie gets an attitude and starts to rebel against me and Scott. How long until she wants to be like all the other kids and watch the Hannah Montana, and have sleepovers, and giggle about boys. How much time do I have with her? I sat back down. I rocked her to sleep that night, because as interesting as the All Star Cookie Special on the Food Network was-- it's just tv. The internet is just the internet. It'll be there in 20 minutes, or even tomorrow. What's so wrong about waiting? What's so wrong with letting her be a small baby now? It's ok that she doesn't crawl yet, and that she wants to cuddle before bed time. Cause not too long from now, she'll be in School, and she'll have her own friends, and she won't want to cuddle anymore.
It's hard to think that way-- but it's true.
*sighs* I"m glad for Christmas. I want the snow. I want it all. I want to make sure Katie has a happy Christmas. We wrapped a few presents last night, and we played with the cats. I was lucky yesterday and got to spend all day with her :) I was super grateful that I had vacation time.
Anyway. I'm going to go pick her up from her Gma's house. :)
Derringer Meryl [Finishing up Work] Out
2007-11-27 - 12:03 p.m.
November 5
New things New things.
Katie got her first tooth last Wednesday (November 21 2007, in case you want to remember the date) We had a great thanksgiving with both families (a make up one with Scott's family on Saturday)
It was a nice long weekend. I got to see Enchanted, which was good, but made me want to vomit a bit at some points. It was, as expected, very hoaky and cheesy. I feel bad now thinking that the girl Nancy in it was not very pretty, I came to realize (as of about 10 seconds ago) she's one of my most favorite broadway actresses (along with Kristin Chenoweth, who you might have seen on Pushing Daisies) It's funny how you see a person one way when they have some make up on and a completely different way. She normally is seen as the "Wicked Witch" From the broadway show "Wicked" Which is really a fantastic show.
We also got to go to see the lights at Temple Square. it was really nice. Katie was tired from her teeth, and very cranky. However due to the fussiness she has been cuddlier. She wants to cuddle when she feels icky. Which I feel bad that she feels icky, but I love cuddling with her. We fell asleep on the couch together last night. it was super sweet.
I'm really starting to bum out on this working thing. Who knew getting up a half an hour earlier made me absolutely too tired to stay up to at least 1 am? :P I love my job, but missing Scott is taking it's toll. Once his D&D isn't so gung ho (ie once one of the people have left for their mission) I'm going to commondere one saturday a week that it's US time. Not Us and katie not us and Scott's friends, not Us and family, just me and Scott.
I started this thinking "at least we'll have the weekends" but we don't even get that. M-F I work until late, and I get home and spend time with Katie, and now sat and Sun Scott spends sleeping or with his friends. :( It makes me sad. So often I feel like it's just me and Katie. Me and Katie watching tv, playing with toys, etc etc.
I'm going to go bananas. :S
blah.
I can't believe the year is almost over. huzzah! :) Tomorrow is Katie's 6 month appointment (even though she's almost 7 months now. LOL) and we'll get to see how big she is. LOL :) I'm guessing 20 lbs (around there) but I might be completely off, she has her chubby days and her skinny days. :) over all she's TALL! that's for sure, long baby. If she's too long we'll need to get her a new carseat. :S which should be fun. I found a nice looking one at Kid to Kid, but It was the same price as the one we could get for her new like we have in Scott's Car. Oh well. I'll keep looking. :) I got her a block sorter for Christmas, but since it was used it doesn't have a circle block, but two squares instead. LOL Oh well. They had a dinosaur sorter I'd been pining after for her, but I know we don't have space for it, so I passed it up (though I did inform one of my friends, since it was such a good price and her daughter has some of those toys too :)
It was really tough to come up with what i wanted for Christmas this year, but I finally did (you can see it at Scott's forum http://forum.yoshisisland.net)
Anyway. I'm not graceful. Go ahead... comment. I dare you.
Derringer Meryl [Gonna have the song stuck in my head] Out
2007-11-15 - 6:31 p.m.
November Post 4
Some days I think about the past and just wish I could go back and tell myself not to bother with certain things. Not to expend so much energy on something that just won't turn out right no matter what. But I suppose if I did that we'd have the butterfly effect, right? Where no matter what stuff wouldn't turn out right... You just have to choose the scenario that would suck the least.
I guess in everyone's life there is always going to be some level of "If I had only..." to it. The true measure is if you can move on and let it go. I feel that I'm brave enough to say that I do have difficulty letting things go sometimes. I remember Scott asked me once "Why do you hold on to something that makes you feel so bad?" (He's a smart man) and all i could do was cry and say that it felt good to be angry. When you're angry you're not a victim, you're in control of the retribution you're about to bring upon the people who wronged you. Sometimes the strongest person is the one who can just feel hurt. I know it's my issue. Try to move past it, push it away-- put it in the back of my mind. We're all working through something, aren't we?
For my poor (pity for having read it, and seeing inside of my brain, but rich in all the best qualities of a person) co-workers who read this, and just wonder why I can't have fun in my blog, let me express my apologies... I once went to a therapist for all this junk I spew here, but I felt like I was paying someone to listen to me, at least here I know people I care about and care about me are reading it... and I'm not paying a cent. (Nor is anyone's insurance.) Back to your regularly scheduled brain explosion...
I keep turning back to parts of my life and trying to find what fundamentally changed. When did this all get so complicated and hard? When did my stomach start to churn like this? When did my life get this empty and confusing? It's hard to put a time frame on it. I know some people (though i'm not accusing anyone) would like to say it's when I got married, or even earlier, when I met Scott. I feel more natural and at ease with Scott. I am me. I think that the person I was before meeting Scott was pleasant, but lost. I think in Scott I found someone I wasn'tafraid of being myself with. I was able to genuinely be me.
I think marriage in general has caused an overall decay of outside relationships though. I say this with a large knot in my throat, because it makes me sad to see what's been lost. I feel as though over the past three and a half years I've been scraping at the floor trying to pick up the pieces of various relationships that have fragmented. I feel as though my energy has waned in these efforts. I feel like after three and a half years of clawing at pieces of shattered bits on the ground I want to give up. All my heart feels sad because of it. I am not one to sever ties or to end relationships. People end with me. I linger waiting and wanting and yearning. Pining for them to return. Wishing that I could be there again. With them. And I think of all the time I've been spending in my life wanting for one person or another to love me and want to be with me and waiting and waiting for them to come back (which on occasion a person turns and says a kind word which is crueler than never coming back at all.)
I wish I could express the exhaustion, emotionally and physically. But once again my words fail me. The Sun is often gone from the sky and I believe it has left me with a sort of melancholy.
Please don't read into my words. I am not calling anyone out. I am not attempting to create drama other than the dramatic expression of my emotion. This post is not (nor will it ever be) pointed at someone to say "YOU YOU YOU make me feel this way" It was a small attempt to eloquently express some of the wearing sadness I feel in my heart at this time. That's all.
Derringer Meryl [Exercising my Literary Muscle] Out
2007-11-12 - 10:33 a.m.
November post 3
Ok, so i have something to blog about today....
This
I wish I could do this with all my heart. But it'd make me late to my job every day for three weeks straight. If I could find a way to do it, would I? Yes. In a heartbeat if they'd pick me. I've always wanted to be on the radio, and considering I'm one of those people who enjoy's hearing themselves talk, it's suprising I haven't pursued it more... voraciously.
Seriously though. I think I could if it weren't for the fact that I'm at work from 10am until 7pm. I'd love to go and be on the air with Kerry and Bill. I think i'd play the perfect Gina Patsy. *sighs* Oh well. Plus I'd admit, i'd probably end up pretty tired too, considering if I were to do it (Try and actually win, and then go forth with doing it) I'd have to work BOTH jobs. So I'd be getting up at 3-ish to get myself ready to go to work, drive up to SLC (Probably get lost LOL) get to the studios, do my thing on the radio, drive back down to Utah County, Go to work until 7pm, get Katie, come home, and then hopefully fall asleep before I'd want to die from being so tired.
And of course this would be prior to the Christmas Season-- so .. :( Oh well though. Even if I did apply, I"m not so entertaining that I'd even win. (Look at me being Cheyore.)
Anyway, It seems like a fun thing to do. I'd want to apply, but I shouldn't even apply if I don't have the time and stuff to go and DJ with them. :)
Lets see-- the weekend was chock full as expected. Next weekend, I can hopefully get my hair cut. I"m TOTALLY looking forward to that since my hair has reached a brand new level of nappy and gross. (all my family will gag at this) It reminds me of Chewy's hair. (For those of you who don't know, Chewy is our Chow/American Eskimo Mix Dog) I've told Scott that since I'm getting my hair done this year and I haven't had it done since last year (which I didn't even pay for, Drama Queen did, thank you BTW!) I'm getting it done at a Salon. A nice salon.
After I do that we should hopefully be getting some portraits too. Scott will be with Katie playing D&D and I will have a nice relaxing morning at the salon. I'm not sure what Salon to go to though. I want someone who won't make me look like a poodle... but I still want to look like me. So what I'm saying is, I'd like my hair to curl, a little. But I don't want so much curl that I look like a freshly groomed dog. You know you've been watching too much ANTM when you think "I know, why don't I get a weave!!" But no, That's too much upkeep! So, yeah, I'll be getting it cut. Scott told me to do it anyway I want. and I asked "can I shave it all off and wear a wig all the time?" and he said That I couldn't go all britney Spears on him. I told him I didn't think Britney Spears wore wigs to cover up her craziness.
In other news, I'm absolutely exhausted, thanks to my tiny little girl. She decided that she wanted to wake up at 6 am, to eat. That's fine with me. But then she decided she wanted to bite. Not so fine. Then she wanted to whine and scream and kick until 8:30 am when she decided she could eat civilized for 5 minutes and start all over. She's not feverish, so we figured, she must just be reaching that "I'm going to scream and kick until you give me what I want" Stage. How fun. She's still cute, and her smile could melt Stalin, so it's all good.
That's about it.
Derringer Meryl [tired and a half] Out
2007-11-08 - 12:25 p.m.
November post 2
It's blog month. Gotta think og something to blog about. um. Not sleeping. How about that. Or the horrendous back pain I have from not sleeping.
(blogger's note: I am not complaining on the following rant about being invited to things. It gives me warm fuzzies and I enjoy it. I'm complaining about how busy I am. That's all)
Or how I don't have one free weekend until next year. Seriously. Every Saturday/Sunday is jam packed with events (not so much Sunday, but sometimes) that it doesn't really feel like we get time off from work. I worried that Having Katie would slow down our social life, but now it feels like our social life has taken speed, or acid or something.... some sort of illegal upper. Scott does D&D every saturday (or makes an ernest effort to, and often we have some sort of social activity with his friends in the evening of Saturday. if not, there is surely something else that pops up whether it be baby shower (I've been invited to three) or my car needing fixed, social activies, chilling at my parent's house.... etc etc... I feel very much like my life is GO GO GO. So much that the only time we could SQUEEZE In grocery shopping for this month was at 1 am on Monday. Whoo. That was fun.... I wish that I could spend a weekend in my clean house (HAHA! there's a joke) with myhusband not biting at the bits to go out and do something with someone else, and just watch a movie together....
Of course then you have to consider the holiday's. (I mean Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years, I am very rude and Excluding Hannukah and Kwanzaa because I DON'T CELEBRATE THEM!) It seems like life will continue to be go go go. Let me recap my weekends until the end of the year. This weekend, D&D, Party, gotta go hit up walmart, gotta go to Lunch with Scott's Mom. Next weekend, D&D, family pictures/katie pictures, I'm sure our evening will be gobbled up too. WHEE! Thanksgiving is the weekend after that, Then starts the December Mania, Where in two people (myself included) have birthday's, There is Christmas, Group Christmas party, Sibling Dinner (somewhere in there *leers at siblings) Christmas Shopping, birthday party and new years party. :P
Ugh.
I feel like I'm melting.
Derringer Meryl [Don't I ever write about fun stuff?] Out
2007-11-07 - 10:10 a.m.
November post 1
It's blog month! The goal is amongst bloggers to post once each day. Considering it's the seventh of November, and I haven't posted before today, i'd say i've failed quite nicely on this one. :) Oh well, eh? But I will try to blog as frequently as I have something to say and as often as I have time.
Today all I can think of is maturity. How do you know you're really doing the mature thing. In a situation you'd think confronting someone about a problem you have is the mature thing, but honestly I think that's lame. I think it's somewhat lazy to confront everyone about every little thing. You have no self control. You just spew out whatever you want, and don't necissarily care about what happens after. I had a period in my life *coughlastyearortwocough* where I would do this. I do still from time to time. I don't think it's wrong to maturely sit down and have a tete e tete with someone though, I think it's wrong to pull someone out of the blue (either in front of people or by themselves) and say "HEY GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE A DUMMY! HAHA! AND A FAKE AND A LIAR, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?!" and pretend like that's ok. I just don't feel like that's appropriate any time in any social situation. Sometimes you gotta bite your tongue and smile and pretend like the person across the room doesn't make you want to rip your hair out. I think that's mature too. Not interaction needs to be a scene. I've been trying desperately this past year to reign in my drama queen ways. I will admit I have had explosions of drama before (see last post!) but sometimes I feel sad or depressed and the only way I can get it out is by expressing it dramatically. I have made a point of keeping my drama to my posts only, and leaving it out of my day to day life as much as possible.
Back to the point here, what is maturity? Does a mature person stand by as bad things happen (or slightly disappointing things) and say "It's their choice. I'll let them make it." and not express themselves? Or does a mature person call the person out in an embarassing way? I think the maturest way to handle a bad situation is by confrontation in a mature way. Honestly though you would need two mature people to do that. I admit that I'm a bottler. That comes from my opinion that biting your tongue is the best way to go. I also admit not speaking my mind is a big source for my depression. I hope at some point in my life I can harmonize the two and I can speak my mind in a mature fashion and very few (if any) people would be offended.
On a completely different note, Katie will be 6 months this saturday. Also, in family related news, the following Sunday (Nov 11) will be Scott's Dad's Birthday. I really wish that we could have spent more time together. I really regret that.
November is shaping up to be a busy month. I have my in-law person to buy for, but I think I'll leave it to Scott, since I've done it in the past. This weekend we'll be doing Lunch with Scott's Mom, and then next weekend is shopping for a gift. We need to get a few gifts taken care of. so here's hoping. I think I'll get Katie some teething biscuits for her stocking... I want to make sure she gets one or two items for Christmas, so we can have some photage of it. Don't want to completely skank out on it. :) I'm looking forward to thanksgiving, and the four day weekend that accompanies it. Also to the extra cash Scott will have thanks to working the day after thanksgiving. I Hope that this year will continue to be exhilerating. I better look back at my goals for the year and see if I've accomplished anything! Sheesh!
Derringer Meryl [feelin' silly] Out
